Doctors Declare Masturbation Will Fend Off Cancer of the Prostate

by Viktor Quixote

Ladies, the woman pictured above
has advice on how to help your man
and yourself. Clik and explore.

November 22, 2018. Thanksgiving Day. Researchers now agree that as men age and testosterone levels decline, so does frequency of intercourse between partners. Conversely, slow developing disorders of the prostate gland begin to pick up steam, often leading to cancer of the prostate. There is something you can do about it. Several things, in fact.


For the Less Enlightened Husband

1. Perk up your romantic life with expensive courtesans. A thousand-dollar call girl will provide the necessary therapeutic applications to stimulate the prostate gland and keep it in good working order. It is a classic case of use it or lose it. Wives ironically tend to lose interest in this aspect of their spouses, so a husband must use his imagination if he hasn't the money to inspire her to acts of public sex, pole dancing at home, exotic types of intercourse, etc. Many spouses will cooperate if tied up and prevented from screaming. Drunkenness will sometimes help her to attain the right frame of mind.

Generally speaking, in the long run it is the man's responsibility that his male gland receives the necessary exercise and recalibration that orgasm provides, and often masturbation is the only way to achieve these things on a regular basis. It is a known fact that attractive women lose the ability to see human males once men have passed the age of 43, unless he is dripping with money.

If you demonstrate no such dripping, you may as well resign yourself to a return to adolescent practices. Doctors advise that an orgasm a day keeps the cancer away, and you would be well advised to find the means to achieve it. This translates into several aspects:

1. Privacy. Most men prefer to perform their therapeutic duty out of the public eye. Most, but not all. If you fit in the private camp, the office, your car, your boat or the stacks of a public library often accommodate the need of privacy well. 
2. Libidinal stimulation. After the first thousand or so solo orgasms, one must go beyond memories of a wife's formerly amorous nature or the wild imaginings that come to replace them. Hint: demographic statistics show that 70% of all internet use is of a pornographic nature, so you may be able to find novel stimulation there.
3. Cleanliness. Many will remember the souvenir Bill Clinton left on Monica Lewinsky's dress. It brought about the revelation of his dishonest answers to initial queries. Tissues, wastepapers, and socks will all serve should you get caught away from home in an awkward situation. As an absolute last resort, the spilt seed may be added to any gravy, pudding, or similarly textured substance. Stir it in well.

I Need a Shave

While I can't help but to adopt a humorous slant on the above aspects, I assure readers that the premise of the piece is true. To orgasm as frequently as possible, ideally with a stimulating partner, can add years to your life. So for your health's sake, do not shy away or be embarrassed by the prospect of keeping yourself healthy the old, do-it-yourself way. 

And wives, you will have your mate around a lot longer if you use a little imagination by learning some "dirty" acts to surprise your mate. Greet him with a threesome waiting as he returns from work, and perform some act before he's off for the day. It will be good for your health, too. The only perverted sex act is one that does physical damage.