Rectal Masturbation with Vegetables May Inseminate Persistent Microvirus

a Factitious Report by One Who Must

Always make sure your vegetables are properly condomized before anal or rectal insertion, or you
may find yourself developing unsightly cysts in the perineal area. Let your partners know this, use it on him or her, and practice with every insertion--as a couple or alone. Coconut oil acts as a tasty lubricant, but again--use a dental dam before insertion into mouth.

All this unabashed hygiene truth takes me back to C. Everett Coop's perplexity in the early 1980's true American sexual practices as the age of AIDS cracked, illuminating ATM behaviours and transmission of microbiomics from one partner's egestive outlet to her lover's eager if unwitting ingestion via French Kissing. When one panelist inferred this was common Biological knowledge, the unfazed Coop looked in the camera and asked a national audience, "Then why are so many people still rimming?" Broadcasters considered "rimming" a proper medical term, and let it pass to air. I miss C. Everett Coop. What about you?

So in future vegetable intercourse, protect yourself. You don't want Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle coming after you.